Can I get myself a normal week please?
The week before last started out with a popped ear drum (in the boy), that I neglected for two days due to ignorance, that then turned into a trip to urgent care followed by a few days at home with a double ear infection and 10 days of antibiotics. His sickness was then passed on to me where it still lingers.
The following weekend we had the pleasure of going to the children's ER on Saturday night. We have now used the dreaded epipen. The food culprit - split peas. No peas for Pete thank you.
On Monday this week I got my Toyota gas pedal fixed (I have a 2010 Corolla). This is my second recall (the first was for something to do with the brakes and cold weather). Oddly, I'm not the least bit upset about the whole thing. When the news comes out, I get an email from them on the same day. Then THEY promptly call ME to set up an appointment to fix it. This last time I even got oil change gift certificates. I know they are a bit concerned about heir reputation, but really, that stupid Volvo we used to have was more trouble.
Peter had a Chinese new year performance and party this week, plus a valentine's party plus Friday night sledding. Although it was an exciting week for him - he also needs to get back on a normal schedule. Normal health, normal eating, normal homework, normal bedtime.
Last night I started reading 'Unconditional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn. He had me hooked in the first chapter, when he explained how Timeout (originally the whole term was timeout FROM positive reinforcement) was used in animal studies to 'control animal behaviours' and then he further explains how this is perceived by the kids as love withdrawal.
But we use timeouts. Super nanny uses timeout! Who doesn't?
But, then you read a little more. And I have to admit, as he starts to give examples of things parents do to withdraw love - I can say that I've done some of them. Even as recent as yesterday.
Peter told me he didn't like cucumbers, only carrots. This is absurd and untrue. I told him so, and then I proceeded to ignore him (that's the love withdrawal part) as I unloaded the dishwasher. I withheld love simply because I had a crappy day at work coupled with the fact that my kid told me he only wanted carrots for dinner. How stupid is that?
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
About Me
- Melissa Lauterbach Barrett
- This used to be somewhat of an expat journal. Now its changed into a way to keep in touch in longer sentences than are appropriate for Facebooking.
Current Read
Plainsong by Kent Haruf. The 3rd book from him that I've read. His stuff is good.
Dream Of The Blue Room by Michelle Richmond. This is my second time reading this book. I just love it for some reason.
Healthy Bread in Five Minutes a Day by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoe Francois. They have a web site http://www.artisanbreadinfive.com/
3 comments:
It's not stupid.
Go easy on yourself.
In some ways when we reject our kids like that it is almost because we don't want to face up to the hurt that exists in life no matter how hard we try to avoid it, or prevent it, even we, loving mothers, even we are part of that hurt.
Time out is always abused, and even supernanny gets it wrong from time to time. In some way time out with young kids is a way to get space in a pressured place, i.e: parenting pretty much in isolation in a whole new ball park and against the grain of our parents and grandparents.
Funnily enough, I have found, now, after years of experience...that time out only really 'works' with much much older kids. Little kids learn nothing from it, I think (but yeah, I've done it too).
I will put older kids into that 'love withdrawal'/time out thing when they have, for example, used a cuss word in the wrong context (e.g: when in company and in a flippant way or when much younger kids are present or in a derogatory way). It's purely a space I want them to go to to realize the gravity of their actions. They cuss like that? They out for a short time just to mark the occasion as serious enough for a few moments thought.
I will also say: "That thing you perceive to be love? Me when I am generous and kind and smiling? Me always appreciative and understanding and open armed and full of energy and attention? That's conditional. Conditional on what sort of day I have had, how you have spoken to me, whether I have some body pain and if the house is a total mess. I won't always be Mrs Perfect, and yeah, how you behave around me will have some bearing on that." The kids will blame me for their less than perfect day given half the chance so they can relate to what I say.
I am not a perfect parent, LOL, but I try to be honest about my limits.
Children need to hear us speak from the heart, they need, more than we realize, to hear us say that we love them. They need to hear that we are glad we are their moms, come what may. If we are undemonstrative, or stressed, they probably need to understand that even though it feels like we are not coming up with the love, that we do love them, that the love is also in the gaps, like a dropped stitch that can be picked up again.
You sound like a pretty lovely mom to me. Don't punish yourself for learning along the way ;) We all do it.
Thanks Babs. I don't think the book will radically change my parenting style. Overall I don't think we're soooo bad, but on the other hand I think we can improve (we being me and my husband). But I think I'll be slowing down - when I respond to his requests, or when I ask something of him.
Instead of a quick - no. I've been listening first. And I have to say - his little eyes sparkle with his little plan.
And instead of "you will pick up those those toys or we won't be leaving" - I ask myself if the picking up is that critical at this very moment. Give him some sort of choice. It doesn't mean that "I've lost" and now he'll run all over me any chance he gets.
So for now, that's my plan. Slow down, listen, and not put every action in a 'good' or 'bad' bucket.
Well. The thing is that when your kid grows up, people will ignore him when he crosses lines... best to get used to it now?
Plus, as he gets older he will realise you love him unconditionally and because of that you try to modify his behaviour so he becomes socially acceptable in the future! He will also "get" that you are a human being and sometimes the best response an irritated human can give is silence.
It's not as if you told him to go get your belt when he said he wanted carrots ;)
Post a Comment